That Time I Got Really Tired of Feeling Like Shit...

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Finding a balance between my “musician” life and a healthy, mindful one has always been a struggle for me.

For a while, far too long actually, I lived a double life. Detoxing with yoga, workshops, and retreats. Then, retoxing at shows and hangs with my fellow humans. 

I was trying to balance something that was impossible to balance. Why did I have to get so friggin drunk when I went out? What was I hoping to get from it?

I think it’s different for everyone, and I am in no way shaming anybody for doing their thing. I get it. It’s fun. It really does feel good to step out of overthinking and taking ourselves too seriously. I’d say that was my favorite part— getting to that point where I just did not care. 

But eventually, I started getting really tired of feeling like shit. 

The hangovers were awful and the anxiety that followed was even worse. Every time I would get there, the next day I would feel like I had just thrown myself away. Like I was telling my true self to shut up. 

Over the course of my life, I have had the honor of working with many high level healers and teachers.  I have experienced glimpses of the potential we have to utilize our mind for what one might call “magic”. 

I guess I was ready, because out of nowhere I met an amazing person who, if we were going to date, was not into that version of me. I would never change for someone else… but it was more like he answered my prayers. 

I started regularly exercising, meditating, reading and working on my music. 

And let me tell you, it feels good to feel good. 

I still have an occasional glass of wine. And I still have too much sometimes. But the whole energy is different. I’m learning not to care, but from a much more authentic place. 

And I feel WAY better. 

The pain I was trying to stuff is still here. But it wasn’t going anywhere anyway, so why not see it for what it is? Why not use it consciously to get to a different place.

So what I would tell her now?

Our time here is a flash in the night.

Explore it fully. Learn to master the mind and choose who you want to be in every moment.  The mind is a powerful motherfucker. Create miracles with it. Push the limit with it. And be awake, be present, for all of this.